Political Biography

Aside from surviving the dynamics of sibling rivalry as a middle child, David Learn's first foray into politics began in the seventh grade, when he decided to run for Student Government at Trafford Middle School in Trafford, Pennsylvania (not to be confused with the Trafford Middle School for Semi-Precocious Children in Saunderstown, Rhode Island).

Curiously, the words that most shaped Learn's budding political career came not from political philosophers such as Niccolo Machiavelli, Thomas Jefferson, or Thomas Paine, but from his own mother, who advised him, "Don't run for president or vice president since those are the positions everyone will run for. Pick something smaller, like treasurer."

That year, 1982, races for president and vice president were uncontested and, no doubt spurred on by well-meant advice from their own mothers, a record seven people sought the office of treasurer. Learn was disgraced with a record low of two votes -- including his own -- from the entire seventh grade, and was later roughed up in the bathroom by the happy victors, shortly before failing his pull-up trial in the Presidential Physical Fitness Awards.

Since then, he largely has remained in the background of political movements, managing the failed campaigns of Keith Melick in 1986 for president, vice president, treasurer, and secretary of the Penn Trafford High School Drama Guild in Harrison City, Pennsylvania, and Tom Dobrinick's failed bid for similar offices in the Spanish II Club.

During college, he served as house chairman to Kirby House in 1989-1990, the year the house keys were lost. He also served as steward in fall 1990, the semester that the house was put on social probation and the meal plan went bankrupt. He was nominated for the house vice presidency in 1991-92, but once again was denied the opportunity to serve, with only two votes to his credit -- one belonging to his mother, who had wandered into the meeting by accident, and the other belonging to someone he had once given a piece of pizza to.

A registered voter, David Learn has voted in every presidential election since he turned 18 in 1988, with the exceptions of 1988, 1992, and 1996; similarly, he has voted in all local elections since he turned 18, with the exception of 1988-1998. As many have noted, this is the mark of someone who clearly would do more in the Senate than many of those already holding seats.

Without a doubt, David Learn is the man we want in Washington, D.C. Unfortunately, he's not running. So don't vote for him.